Lord, give me the strength to not throw this phone across the room. I was just getting excited, mentally picking out an outfit. I was just about to check if my favorite wedges still have the heel intact, when my phone lit up again.

"Just so we’re clear, I’m a 50/50 type of guy."

sigh

At least we're still on the app, God knows my block list is already too long. The blue bubbles haven't even turned green yet! And he has the unmitigated gall to send me a paragraph that reads like a LinkedIn bio for a mediocre middle manager.

Y’all, I'm trying! I'm really trying to give these guys one more chance, and this man—this "Podcast Disciple"—decides to hit me with his business plan before we’ve even exchanged phone numbers.

We are chatting about a first date. We aren't filing a joint tax return. We aren't co-signing for a minivan. We are at the "Do you have a job? Is there anyone who thinks they are in a relationship with you?" stage. What exactly are we splitting?

• The Data Plan? Am I supposed to pay for half the electricity it took to send that dusty-ass text?

• The Wi-Fi? Because that’s the only thing we’re sharing right now.

• The Audacity? Because you clearly have an oversupply and I’m operating at a deficit.

• The $15 Salmon Sliders? If you’re already stressing about $7.50, how are you going to handle a real-life crisis?

• The Air? Because you’re sucking the oxygen out of the room with this "alpha" talk you found on Reddit.

• The Emotional Labor? Because I’m doing 100% of the work trying not to roll my eyes into the back of my head while you explain "hypergamy" to me.

Stop me at anytime... you get the point: there is nothing to share yet!

This mofo, sitting in his room of the apartment he shares with his brother, feeling like a "High Value Alpha," trying to "vet" me. Making sure I’m not a "gold digger," even though the sum total of his assets is a 2018 BMW, 45" television, a jail-broken firestick, and an adjustable mattress.

B!tch boy, look at my life. My life is already 100/100. I provide the roof, the groceries, the discipline, and the magic. I don’t need a "business partner" who wants to Venmo-request me for cost of a movie ticket. I'm already taking care of myself, three kids, and a cat!! If I were digging for gold, I wouldn’t be looking for it in the pocket of a man who’s stressed about the price of dinner and a glass of wine... possibly a caramel ribbon crunch.

Here's the deal: If your opening pitch is about how much you aren’t going to do, you’ve already told me everything I need to know. You aren't looking for a queen; you’re looking for a bill-paying buddy with benefits. I’m too old, too tired, and my TIME is too expensive for this "50/50" energy. If you’re leadng with your calculator instead of your character-

BLOCKED

Fuck that! I'm tired of explaining!

In my world, 'High-Value' isn't a tax bracket or a podcast title—it’s a character trait. A high-value man doesn't lead with his fear of being 'used' for a meal. He leads with his ability to provide and protect. If we’re talking about 'contribution,' I contribute 100% to my household every day. I’m looking for a man who does the same for his, not someone looking for a 50% discount on a partner.

Let me ask Siri how to write a dating profile that has these dudes swiping before I do.