Here Come the Ho, Ho, Hoes!!

I didn't misspell a damn thing!!

The air is getting crisp. The leaves have fallen. But forget the pumpkins, plunging temperatures, and the basic people yelling "sweater weather', the real seasonal shift is happening in the EMOTIONAL ecosystem. The siren son of Cuffing season has begun its annual, deeply predictable wail.

Now, listen up. I'm a grown woman. I done paid my dues, living in my own damn house, and perfected my Sunday self-care routine. And you want me to believe that suddenly, because the air got a little chilly, I gotta participate in this desperate, tacky Olympic sprint to get picked?

Girl, please. You better learn how to buy a nice blanket!

Thus, we sarcastically welcome the "Ho, Ho, Hoes!" The audacity of this set of humans is at an all-time high. Suddenly, everyone who spent the last eight months proudly stating "I ain't got no man and no man ain't got me' like GloRilla or "everything bussin' like Moneybagg Yo". (Go ahead and take 5 minutes to go look up the songs) But even the enthusiastic "homebodies" are suddenly eager to settle down... but just until that damn groundhog start looking for its shadow.

The desperate scramble for the nearest "available," semi-compatible human shield to ward off the existential dread of solitary holiday dinners and the devastating social shame of not having someone to share a set of ridiculously tacky pajamas with has begun. A rapid descent into temporary domesticity, slack morals and values, and ill-advised unprotected sex.

And for what? So, I can lend you my emotional intelligence, listen to your work drama, and then watch you suddenly remember you were "free-spirited" the minute the first tulip pokes its head out of the ground? Hell no.

See, that whole seasonal fling thing? That's poverty mentality right there. It screams, "I can't afford a real commitment, so I'm gonna take this temporary markdown." My life is not a Black Friday sale. I'm not lowering my price for a quick sale, so I can end the year in the taken category only to be looking for a new man when taxes hit.

I’ve spent too much time cultivating my own garden—my own joy, my own peace—to let some desperate, cold-weather companion come mess up the soil just because the rent is due and it's too cold to be uncertain of where you lay your head. My peace? My time? My perfectly curated living room setup? The abundance of snacks, internet and home cooked meals? Those are premium goods. And if you can only value them when you're scared of being lonely during the holidays, then you can just keep that energy and sit right on down.

Listen, the only "Ho, Ho, Ho" I need in my life is the sound of me laughing at a terrible holiday movie while sipping hot cocoa made with a generous splash of something strong. I ain't hunting for a cuff. (read the last word backwards) I’m hunting for peace, stability, and people who recognize my value in all four seasons. The warmth I need comes from my own self-assurance, my own thick socks, and my heated mattress pad.

Yet, the seasonal stamped is upon us: the search for winter housing, disguised as enduring love. May your blankets be warm, your temporary partners be adequately conversational, and may your inevitable post-Valentine's Day breakup be as painless as possible. Here are some guidelines that may help:

1. Find someone close to your job. That way you can minimize gas use. Bonus points if he has a garage so you don't have to shovel your car out. (Added perk of having a boo is that you don't have to start and clean off your car!)

2. Assess their financial resilience. Can they afford their living arrangements AND gifts?! Putting in on groceries is okay, but bills... you got them at home!

3. Where the kids at? You're a survivalist maximizing your resources in a harsh economic climate, not a step ANYTHING.

4. Be careful about expressing any plans that extend past March.

5. USE BIRTH CONTROL!!

6. Put his/her phone down, of course they have multiple options.

7. The Vibe Check! (not that vibe... but find your cords and chargers if you're staying single this season) Can you genuinely enjoy your time with this person.

All jokes aside, maybe cuffing season IS a beautiful opportunity for lasting love to take root. * GAG * When the world outside turns cold and quiet, you naturally turn inward. For y'all... May this be the year that the temporary feeling of being "cuffed" solidifies into the profound, enduring joy of being chosen—chosen not just for the weather, but for a lifetime of seasons to come.

Y'all good?  Me? I'm good. I'm secure. And ain't nobody putting a deadline on my eligibility. I am the prize, 365 days a year. Now, where's my Lay's and good wine?