Stop Seeking Understanding

Stop trading explanation for reality. I am so over scrolling down my timeline watching folks literally do backflips trying to make sense of something that is actually very simple.

How you let a mufuka come up with a reason WHY he cheated on you in attempts to salvage a relationship?! Yall really be out here talking about I'm mean... but fuck all that.

I would rather be mean than sitting around somewhere being a paid actor for the FBI, digging through their childhood, their stress at work, their past relationships, trying to solve the mystery of why they did what they did. While you're sitting there with his mama talking about "I'm just trying to understand where they were coming from..." she thinking you a damn fool.

Just stop!! Let me stop you before you trick yourself right into another round of heartbreak.

In counseling, we talk a lot about emotional regulation and reframing, but let's be real about what’s actually happening here: you are getting so caught up in the why that you are completely ignoring the WHAT.

The what is that they lied to you. The what is that they cheated. They hurt you, they wronged you, and they broke your trust. And they were going to KEEP doing that shit until they got caught. That's what ACTUALLY happened... in 4K... While you’re off in dreamland making up excuses for them that they didn't even have the courtesy to give you themselves.

But understanding does not undo impact.

Knowing that someone lied because they were raised in an environment where honesty was unsafe does not make them truthful. Knowing they cheated because they were insecure does not rebuild your trust. Knowing they lashed out because they were exhausted does not erase the bruise on your spirit.

I know why you're doing it. You think if you can just understand their brain, it won't hurt as much. You think if you can find enough grace for them, you can fix it. Fix them... and then fix yall. But that isn't wisdom—that’s self-betrayal.

Seeking to understand someone who hurt you is often just a subconscious strategy to avoid feeling the full weight of what they did. As long as you are analyzing their motives, you are in control. Your brain stays busy, focused outward on their psychology rather than inward on your reality.

EVERY... SINGLE... TIME you try to empathize with someone who just dragged you, you are abandoning yourself. You’re giving them a free pass and leaving yourself with all the psychological damage to clean up alone. You do not owe anybody your space or your peace just because you can figure out what kind of trauma made them act ugly. Their backstory explains why they're messy, but it does not mean you have to let their mess ruin you.

You can understand somebody’s pain and still tell them to get the hell out of your life. Both can be true! Compassion without self-preservation isn't healing; it's self-destruction.

Understanding isn't protection; it’s proximity. It tricks you into staying in places you should have exited long ago. It’s time to stop analyzing them and start protecting you. They did the damage; now you have to do the healing. And you cannot regulate your own nervous system or heal your own wounds when your hands are full of excuses for the person who cut you.

You must've forgot who TF you are!! So, here’s what we’re going to do: you are going to stand on business.

No more long text essays asking for closure. No more late-night deep dives into their psychology. No more "giving them another chance because they’re working on themselves." If someone shows you they are comfortable hurting you, they lose access to you. Period. Boundaries aren't a punishment for them; they are self-care for you.

You don't need to understand why the stove is hot to take your hand off the burner. Get out of your head, get back to reality, and close that door.