They Aren't Your Friends

If I could gather all the "friends" I used to claim back in my 20's and early 30's, I could fill up a whole stadium. And you know what the truth is? About 80% of those folks were wearing a title that was just way too big for them.

Now that I’m in my fabulous forties, I’ve learned a thing or two about labeling people in my life, and let me tell you, discernment is peace. We mislabel people all the time, and that mislabeling is the express train to disappointment. Don't get me wrong, I get it, we are all looking for connection, someone to share this life with. But we are too quick to slap the "friend" title on anyone who brings us a fraction of connection. We hand out that title like it’s a participation trophy, and then we get mad when they can’t run the whole marathon with us.

Please believe a real friendship is a deep root, not just a pretty flower. #Bars You’ve got to learn the difference between who’s who, because when you expect someone to be your best friend when they’re really just sit with you at lunch, you set yourself up for failure. Just think about it, you have people that you call for brunch, bottomless mimosas, the club, or a spontaneous weekend trip. Your good time friends. The energy is high; the vibe is right!! You all really connect, but you don't call them when your lights are about to be cut off, or you need a shoulder to cry on. And that's because that relationship has no space or what I like to call "emotional reserves" for crisis. When you bring the heavy stuff, they disappear and probably talk about you behind your back, because you've assigned them a roll they didn't audition for. They ain't here for all of that!! And deep down you don't even trust them.

How about the lady at work you shre the office tea with, the person who understands the specific dread of the 8 AM meeting. You know their kids' names and their spouse's hobbies. But you don't expect them to sit by your side at the hospital at 2 AM. Their loyalty is tied to the shared context, (job, the neighborhood, the gym class you both attend). Once the context shifts, the connection vanishes. They don't expect to transcend the shared space, and often turn down attempts to do so.

The worst is the hype man type!! This is sometimes the most dangerous because they always hype you up, congratulate you on social media, always talking you up. I used to mistake the high praise for deep, personal investment in my well-being. I expected them to offer corrective critique or "tough love" when I messed up. But the truth is. they are just a cheerleader. They love to associate with your success and the image of you. They are not equipped to handle the messiness of your actual life, when things go drastically wrong, or when you need real, difficult advice, their pom-poms are suddenly nowhere to be found... or they picked the less risky.

Now, this is where the heartbreak lives. You call the good time crew when you're depressed, and they respond with a suggestion to "grab a drink." You feel betrayed. Or you confide in the coworker after you lose your job, and they stop calling. You feel abandoned.

Here me: THIS FEELING OF DISAPPOINTMENT AND ABANDONMENT AINT THEIR FALUT; ITS YOURS!!

Stop calling them your friends. Stop lying to yourself. You gave them a title they didn't earn, and now you’re sitting here in pieces because they acted exactly like the acquaintances they always were! You feel abandoned because you elevated their status without an ounce of proof, and now you’re reaping the devastation of your own misplaced loyalty. They are placeholders, and you need to call them out for what they are before they break you all the way down.

When you mislabel a person, you are enhancing the expectation for them to perform a role they are either unwilling or genuinely incapable of filling. A friend is someone who accepts the mess, shares the load, and still shows up, regardless of the context. That heavy, true, ride-or-die friendship? That is rare. That is built over years of showing up for the ugly stuff, the boring stuff, and the beautiful stuff. It's tricky...

Learning to say, "That’s my crew I kick it with," instead of "Those are my friends," doesn't mean you love them less. It means you respect their boundaries, you respect their role, and most importantly, you respect your own need for emotional integrity.

This discernment is what makes the real, true friendships—the ones you have right now—so much more beautiful, solid, and appreciated. Give the others their proper label, and you'll find peace in the expectation that finally lines up with the reality. The next time someone wants that title, they don't get it for showing up to your party; they get it for showing up when your whole world is burning down.